Bufo Alvarius (5-MeO-DMT, Toad) and healing unconscious trauma
I had an asphyxiation near-death experience (NDE) at 8 months, caused by pneumonia and its complications. During a Bufo alvarius session, I re-experienced the event and processed the associated psychosomatic trauma.
Why did I write this article?
When searching the web, I found discouragingly little material on how psychoactive substances can heal traumatic experiences originating from the prenatal, birth and infancy periods. Many people do not realise that certain psychedelics make us re-experience our most harmful preconscious memories. Reliving a traumatic event allows us to process it consciously, and remove attached bodily sensations and emotions which cause recurring emotional and somatic pain.
Reliving otherwise inaccessible material is a blessing, because it provides an opportunity to heal psychosomatic trauma. And while we do not fully understand what is going on behind the curtain of the unconscious mind, I believe that integrating preconscious psychosomatic traumas produced significant improvements in my well-being, higher awareness, and a more positive perception of reality.
When people encounter preconscious trauma in their psychedelic sessions, they frequently label it a “bad trip” and respond with avoidance and resistance. This likely makes the trauma worse by adding new layers of anger and pain. Proper processing, integrating and healing require acceptance and understanding from the conscious observer. Resistance and lack of focused awareness are likely the key causes of perpetuating psychosomatic trauma.
The experience can also be scary, for both the participant and the facilitators. When my NDE replayed, I felt the discomfort of the ceremony organisers. I had to make a distracting effort to reassure them I was fine. Admittedly, I already knew what was going on from similar experiences in the past. One can easily confuse the vivid reliving of a traumatic event with a real thing.
Therefore, I find it important to share the salient features of my story.
Bufo session
My 5-MeO-DMT session lasted no longer than 30 minutes. Subjectively, I can divide it into two phases — an “ecstatic” one, and an NDE processing one.
Initially, I wasn’t sure if I should mention the ecstatic phase. However, I quickly realised that skipping it would make a story deficient, because the ecstatic phase set the stage for integrating the subsequent NDE experience.
Ecstatic phase
It was my first Bufo ceremony. I did not know what to expect, and inhaled the substance from the pipe with an open mind. What I felt next was difficult to describe because of its ineffability.
I did not have hallucinations, and my senses were not disrupted. However, I felt an ecstasy beyond any ecstasy. All limitations disappeared. There were no boundaries.
In those few moments, I felt liberated from both my personal history and the history of the outward reality manifestation. There were no thoughts, and there was no need to think. It was the ultimate freedom.
NDE phase
Suddenly, I suffocated, spasmodically vomiting the non-existent liquid out of my lungs. I also laughed between the spasms. It was probably a hideous spectacle, and I realised the concern of the approaching facilitators. Luckily, I reassured them, and they did not interfere.
I laughed, because suffering did not exist. My body was subject to suffocation and uncontrollable seizures, but it did not matter. From the vantage point I was on, every experience was fascinating. I felt that I’ll never succumb to fear again. During those few minutes, I felt I would accept even the most tortuous and painful death with joy and curiosity.
When the spasms subsided, I triggered the replay of the NDE again. It was easy — as long as I pretended to purge the liquid out of my lungs, the replay would continue. Eventually, the entire experience felt light and innocuous. The bodily contractions caused neither resistance nor emotional pain.
May you have a safe journey. May you be free from suffering.
